(Adult Content, Trigger Warnings)
My eyes were so burdened with tears I could barely see and I considered just letting my car fly off the road. It was brief but it had come all the same and left me shaken.
There is so much, too much.
How can it be this way?
I had prayed over this for years, not months, and it still just did not stop.
I worked my hardest taking steps forward and, it seemed, my health was taking double the amount of steps back.
That vision of my car capsizing was how I saw my health, careening out of control and my life was my crushed hopes and dreams littered across creation and beyond repair.
I made it through my horrible asthma and pneumonia and upper respiratory infections the doctors said I wouldn’t.
I made it through molestation by my brother.
I made it through my same brother’s attempt at suicide that I blamed myself for, wondering what I had done to make him feel the need to do it at age 9.
I made it through molestation by my female neighbor 3 years older than me age 11.
I made it through my self inflicted trauma of trichotillomania (hair pulling) when the memories came of the molestations and the subsequent teasing for not having eyelashes.
And I worked. Oh how I worked. I threw myself into it. I never skipped classes, tried hard for my grades, excelled and went above and beyond. I made it through middle and high school.
As if that weren’t achievement enough, I played the clarinet and went on without an ounce of air in my lungs due to the flu masterfully at our Grand National Performance. We placed 1st. It was this year I began experiencing strange symptoms never identified by doctors and brushed off.
I threw myself equally hard into jobs, doing my best. I moved out at 25 in hopes of saving for a house and marriage. I just could not cap the hill of $10.00 per hour.
Again and again I sought out help by my doctor for abdominal pains and dizziness. I rode out excruciating periods that made me nauseous and unable to move feeling as though I was being sawed in half by a dulled serrated blade to my spine.
I just wanted to be married like my brothers, early and to the love of their lives. I saw children and my heart physically hurt with the gasped exhale as I longed for one of my own, to feel the moving life inside.
All I wanted, I reasoned, was what a typical human female would and subsequently rightfully should. Was it too much to ask? God?
I ranted, screamed, sobbed, and felt my world slip to what I thought was nothing.
I survived rape by a man who groomed me, used me, and tossed two 20’s my way when I was concerned about pregnancy when he did not use protection. I survived when he pressured me again since we ‘already had’ even though I had told him no the first time.
I didn’t even hope to love again for 2 years when I met someone that I felt safe with. Turns out it is because I was ‘his beard’ and he did not know true love, only jealousy and selfishness. I married him. Instead of loving me, cursed me and said things to spite and harm me and found joy in the pain he caused. He broke me in so many ways I never knew I could be broken.
I put myself back together.
I survived all of that.
I successfully got a divorce and managed living on my own, scared to face the newness, the rawness, but I had my dog and we did it.
I, again, went negative due to health and tried my hardest to get back. I was out 11.5 months at 70% pay struggling but I survived that.
I survived being forced back to work, though it seemed barely as I almost fainted and had my knee give way 4 times.
I survived 20 plus doctor visits with my first and what should be my most supportive doctor being condescending and belittling and ultimately disbelieving when I found my own diagnosis.
Turns out I was right. On the one hand I felt better because it had a name and I could try to treat myself based on the existing group of people with the diseases. I did and still continue to study to better my life as I am finding there does not seem to be a doctor in existence willing to be an advocate.
Then, I found out I may be unable to have children, possibly too great a risk for myself as well as the unborn child. My last hope of the normal healthy life I wanted puffed out of existence.
I am working to live. I am not thriving. I am existing.
Living on a hope, hanging on a prayer.
Is this all that I am worth?
By the world’s standards, yes. Where men “Eat and breathe money” and success by contribution and ableness.
Have you ever been at the bottom of a well? Do you feel worthless?
The silver lining is when you hit your lowest low is that the only way you can go is up. And, you are not defined by what you have been through or even what you have done. You are more.
How much more?
More that if you put your faith in a God you perhaps cannot see? Think of His disciples in His day.
Jesus responded, “Thomas, now that you’ve seen me, you believe. But there are those who have never seen me with their eyes but have believed in me with their hearts, and they will be blessed even more!”
The Passion Translation
And you can pray and see it happen? Be wary in just assuming because you want something so that it will be done. Once you have undergone the change of accepting Jesus into your heart and the Holy Spirit guides you it should alter your perspective and desires to be of His will.
20 He told them, “It was because of your lack of faith. I promise you, if you have faith inside of you no bigger than the size of a small mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move away from here and go over there,’ and you will see it move! There is nothing you couldn’t do!
The Passion Translation
What even is a mustard seed? It was a reference to one of the smallest seeds, only 1-2 millimeters in size, that grew into a tree up to 30 feet in width and height. When you pray, be sure it is in faith and with humble recognition that ultimately it is up to Him in granting the gift requested. The answer may be yes, not yet, or even no. Don’t Put God in a box!
satan loves to drive you to despair. He is good at pushing just the right buttons, showing you what others have that you do not. If he gets you down into the well he is winning.
Perhaps. God can heal you but first you must give Him all the pieces. You must give Him all of you. There is no gift we can give to suffice the sacrifice of His beloved Son in place of us so that we could be His adopted children.
How do we win? satan gets upset when we decide we are good enough. God chose you. He sacrificed for you. There are so many things under way that you do not even know what He is doing behind the scenes.
We can be bitter and resentful for what we went through but sometimes we are the ones to blame. I was when it came to the marriage I was in. I did not enjoy the loneliness I felt and I loved him and, you know, God can heal and change people.
Had my brother not attempted suicide and been confronted with a decision, give up the drugs to come back home, he would not have moved to where he met his lovely wife and had his beautiful three children.
Had I not had the experience, certainly not something I enjoyed nor praised about, of molestation and rape… perhaps I would not be able to empathize with people as much.
We each have a story. We can each have a comeback story. Sometimes things have to happen the way they did. We are creatures of, not only habit, but choice. We are given the gift of choice. He wants a relationship with us.
Think of it this way: If a man owns a hundred sheep and one lamb wanders away and is lost, won’t he leave the ninety-nine grazing on the hillside and go out and thoroughly search for the one lost lamb?
The Passion Translation
He loves each and every one of us, even you. Just because you do not see how He works in the mess of your failures and your suffering does not mean He does not exist, does not care, or is not present.
Even in our spirits we have growth. I believe very strongly we suffer growing pains as well. Jesus did not live pain free, perhaps the most celebrated and well-known life of sacrifice. He still had to learn, still dealt with human life issues such as need for food and water. He even asked, though with preface of if it be God’s will, to take the cup, the death on the cross from him.
Next time the deceiver comes to you, you tell him “I am a child of The King! You have no power over me!”
There are seasons for joy and for sorrow. God is bigger than your circumstance. Perhaps you are in the mess for a reason. Perhaps this grayness you are feeling is a tapestry color being woven into the design and know it is not permanent. It is hard to see the reason in the moment. We are not capable of fully seeing God’s purpose or allowing of us to go through what we do.
David, known just as well for his adultery with Bathsheba as the murder of her husband, had been recognized as a man with a heart after God. He went to God in times of woe, anxiety, joy, and praised Him knowing without Him he would have nothing and be nothing.
We are not expected to be perfect. We are expected to follow after Him. We are advised not to seek after worldly possessions for how much harder is it to let go of things we have?
Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
New International Version
I enjoyed very thoroughly God’s Not Dead where Mark and Mina’s mother has a brief moment of lucidness with her son. She describes how men of wealth who love the dark instead of the light and live in their desires often are successful but it is in fact a facade. satan tries to make us comfy, make us desire things we do not have to seek them instead of Him, until our time on earth runs out and ‘the door’ shuts on us. Time has run out.
My story most likely will not reach millions of viewers and perhaps it is too grim and difficult for some. I would hope to think it can be a beacon of hope. Just because we may have God in our lives does not mean it has always been rainbows and sunshine. Rainbows come after the rain and symbolize God’s promise to never flood the whole earth. I take time to think and dwell on them for all the other promises He has made.
It is as the saying of the footprints in the sand. I have heard numerous representations of it but this is one I found. I do not own this.
Last night I had a dream. I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord. Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand: one belonged to me, the other to the Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that at many times along the path of my life, especially at the very lowest and saddest times, there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it. “Lord, you said once I decided to follow you, You’d walk with me all the way. But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life, there was only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me.”
The Lord replied, “My son, my precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of suffering, when you could see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”
Authorship is disputed so unknown
Kintsugi is a form of expression in making something more beautiful. A piece of pottery can fall or be broken but it is often pieced together with gold creating a piece of art. We started as formless, the first humans as earth, and were molded- designed individually by Him. He knew us before we were born, He knows us now, and He wants you to be with Him always. It is The Real Cinderella Story
Live, Laugh, Love